Do you remember in The Big Chill when Nick interviews himself in front of the VHS camcorder? That was pretty nifty and expensive tech back in '83.
Parts of this scene stick with me, especially "What have you evolved into now?" The creator inside me asks this question a lot. I've felt like I've been on a roller coaster since I started podcasting in 2013, gaining momentum, losing momentum, seeking answers in books or who knows what to get back going again, only to get back going again and have the cycle repeat.
(Honestly, when I went back and read through this again, I realize I'd been on the roller coaster a lot longer than that - maybe since, I don't know, 1986 or so?)
For the last few months, though, something has seemed different. I can't quite put my finger on it but I have this odd new attitude about things that seems to have taken me off the roller coaster. It might have started with the Harlan Ellison interviews I watched and podcast I put together back in July.
I see changes around me in many ways. One way is in the form of empty space thanks to a lack of clutter and a lack of items that had no practical use yet always seemed to surround me. Some people eat their feelings. I spent years buying mine and I've slowly reversed that way of thinking over the last couple of years. I've eBay'd a few things but also have given car loads to the local help center and made multiple trips to the dump.
Maybe it's also a question of priorities. I see the clock ticking down and I understand the importance of making memories versus wasting time being preoccupied with stuff and what people are saying on social media, etc. etc.
My biggest hang up creatively was feeling like I was being a burden on people. Read my blog! Read my tweets! Like my Instagram pictures! Listen to my podcast! I always felt guilty about contributing to the noise when I was having a hard time dealing with all the noise myself.
My attitude lately is that I am going to create what I want to create when I want to create it and I'm going to throw it out there and if people want to read or listen or whatever, they will and if they don't, they won't.
I have to leave it up to you to decide your own priorities but I must create. Creating keeps me going in a positive direction and I'm creating for me and if you enjoy it or relate to it or get inspired to create your own stuff, that is wonderful but it all comes down to the fact that I have to do this for me, in 2018, 2019 and beyond.
Back to evolving - I don't know how this site will evolve in 2019. I will post this and the robot will tweet it and somewhere between 4 and 100 people may read it or at least just flash it on their screen and then close it immediately. Who knows. Those numbers are really down from the early days of blogging, by the way, but that's not the reason I write, right?
Until next time,
Your friend in Cyberspace
From The Big Chill (1983):
So you came back from Vietnam - a changed man.
Well, why don't you just tell everybody?
Then, in 1972... ...you returned to the University of Michigan to enter the doctoral program in psychology. But you couldn't seem to finish that dissertation.
I could have. I chose not to. I'm not hung up on this completion thing.
Then you had many jobs, all of which you quit.
What are you getting at? I was evolving. I'm still evolving.
But your real fame came as a radio psychologist on KSFO in San Francisco.
I wouldn't call it fame exactly. I had a small deeply disturbed following.
What are you doing now? Or I should say, what have you evolved into now?
Oh, I'm in sales.
What are you selling?
I don't have to answer that.