Reconciliation

How long does it take to reconcile who you thought you would be x number of years ago with who you actually turned out to be?

In my case, a very long time but I think I've finally made it although I hate to admit it because I don't want to jinx myself.

The moment of reconciliation had been approaching for the last two years thanks to my involvement locally with the music program that my daughter is in.

The moment arrived last week as I walked through the hallways of the music department at my alma mater when I knew I was finally, after over two decades, at peace with the fact that music was my major but didn't end up being my life.

I am no longer distancing myself from playing music in order to distance myself from what I perceived as disappointment I thought I might have caused people who cared about me and invested time in me all those years ago.

I am no longer keeping my distance from people (or from places that conjure up memories of people) I thought I had disappointed.

And, now I realize that no one was disappointed at all.

We're not expected to know who we are going to be when we fill out that college application. They knew that. I didn't. And now I realize that any disappointment I perceived was projected from my own insecurities.

As much as we change and as much as people say you can't go home again, I have come full circle and I have discovered that the long-ago me that loved playing music has been right here all along waiting for me to find my way back.